You don’t have to go back to far into the past to see the turbulent relationship I have had with god. I grew up in a Protestant church, went to Sunday school each Sunday(even after I was confirmed) and attended church until I went away to college. I was searching for his truth but I was never excited by his truth. I didn’t attend church except varying holidays the entire time I was in college and let’s be honest, many years after. It wasn’t until I had children that I began to search again. I went to a variety of churches and finally found a home in a church that excited me. His truth, his message was alive there and I was alive there it was outstanding. It was shortly after this that we moved. I figured that since I was moving back to my hometown that god had big things in store for me in the church I grew up in.
He did. I became the Director of Christian Education and began to bring new ideas and fun into my old church. The funny thing about it was that I was really alive in his word and things were happening there. I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying, or at least not preventing, for over 2 years at this point so I felt very blessed and made many plans that would help me to continue my exciting position and care for my new baby. That is when I was challenged.
On Good Friday in 2006 we went in for an Ultrasound for this precious, much loved and wanted baby. We brought our other children who were 5 and almost 7 with us to let them share in our excitement. All of this to find out that our baby at 20 weeks no longer had a heartbeat. We were crushed and felt much guilt for having exposed our children to such tragedy. We were induced later that day and on April 15th(yes tax day) we gave birth to a still baby boy. I had so many questions, wasn’t I doing all the right things, should I not be blessed instead of cursed. I was determined to carry on my faith(albeit shaken profusely) but it was then that I believe the devil intervened. Some of the older members of the church who were not as open to the changes I was making began to make noise and this noise got louder and with the struggling already in my head the noise over took me. Not only did I leave my position but I rarely returned to the church. I fought my faith and began to seek other answers. This seeking never brought me any.
This year around Christmas time I heard of a church, it was whispers here and there. Nothing loud but it repeated. If a conversation came up that included what church do you attend, the answer was always the same. I decided to visit this church after Christmas.
The first service and each thereafter have brought about such emotion in me that I am brought to tears many times. The message that I have missed my entire life was here. It is not about how righteous I am but about what I do with my life. How I treat others and how I help others. This is that truth that I have been missing, the piece that makes it all make sense. It was always the should and should not mentality in religion for me and I knew that just couldn’t be the message that god was trying to send. I know now that it is about him and not me. I can continue to follow where I am led by him as long as I always remain active in carrying out his word in his world.
I am ready for your challenge and thankful for your gentle lead.
Many thanks to The Blackhawk church in WI for making a place that I could discover his message for us all
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